


just hold me close

by Is_Olivia_even_a_person



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Ben Solo Lives, Ben Solo Needs A Hug, Character Death, Devoted Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Forgiveness, Grief/Mourning, Hugs, Minor Character Death, Not Canon Compliant, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Reconciliation, Redeemed Ben Solo, Redemption, Rey Needs A Hug (Star Wars)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 17:21:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29422245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Is_Olivia_even_a_person/pseuds/Is_Olivia_even_a_person
Summary: He had failed to kill the light within himself because it had been all around him all along. In Rey. His mother and even his fatherOr: Leia dies after Crait and Ben knows what he has to do
Relationships: Leia Organa & Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Rey/Ben Solo, Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 1
Kudos: 12





	just hold me close

After Crait the absence of their bond dominates his mind. Ben feels hollow, carved out and for the first time in his life he is truly alone in his mind.   
Snoke is gone and with him the voices in his head whispering and poisoning his thoughts. 

Rey shuts him out, he can feel her hurt even through their closed bond.   
It’s growing stronger and stronger with every passing day.   
He always feels her presence nudging against his awareness, reminding him of what could have been…. 

Their bond is something so profound and unique, something that is irrevocably part of them now, or always has been. 

He knows it must hurt her to keep the bond close, shutting part of herself out.   
Yet it remains silent for weeks… ever since she closed the doors of the Falcon on him while he was pleading for her to stay. 

He should be hurt and angry that she rejected him, that she left him like everyone else did in his life, but he only feels emptiness in his heart.   
His mind spirals about what could have been…. 

What the Force had shown him when she reached out to him across that stars.   
Their hands touching by the fire, their connection so powerful that it crosses time and space. 

Her standing by his side with a smile, ready to conquer to the galaxy, a future that will never come true now... 

At night Ben lies awake, restlessly turning in his bed. For the first time in his life his mind is quiet, no voices whispering from the shadows and he is faced with the consequences of his actions. 

He is constantly reliving the moment he regrets the most; his red lightsaber ignited while his father’s last act offers him love and forgiveness that he does not deserve.   
It haunts him every single time he closes his eyes and in every waking hour. 

Snoke’s death and his proposal in the burning throne room… for the first time in his life he felt like somebody would care about him, yet she rejected him anyway.   
Anger had taken over his mind. Crait was a mistake, regret had tormented him since his father’s dice had vanished in his hands. 

Supreme Leader of the First Order yet he lost everything. 

At night her defences crumble too. She stumbles into his world when she is tired and worn out….   
She never says a word nor glances at him and just buries herself in her bed trying to find sleep. 

He knows she tries not to let him know how much she had wished for the future she has seen in her vision but her hurt rings through their bond every single night, and somehow it makes him feel worse than her rejectment ever did. 

Weeks pass in a blur of self-hatred and regret until Ben feels a tremor in the Force. 

It is Leia. 

It is his mother. She is dying. His heartbeat is pounding in his ears as the realization comes over him.   
He sits up in his bed and reaches out into the Force, he hasn’t felt her in so long. The last time on that fateful day when she was almost killed because of him. 

"Mom?“ His voice rings in his ears. 

Suddenly years of pain and anguish, unsaid apologies and love rush to him through the Force until he collapses back into his bed, overwhelmed by the intensity of her feelings.   
He expects to feel her disappointment and resentment, just like what Snoke had made him believe for years, what she should feel for him after what he had done.   
Yet he only feels her love and forgiveness wash over him. 

"Ben.“ 

It’s only a whisper in the Force, yet he remembers her voice he hasn't heard in so many years immediately. 

He has hurt her so much. He is the monster Rey accused him to be, thinking back to the decisions that have torn him apart. Igniting his red lightsaber instead of coming home, losing himself in his rage and losing her trust. 

His mother’s soft eyes fill his mind and his memories break him. Years of built-up emotions crashing into him all at once. Maybe it’s his punishment, that’s what he deserves…. 

Memories of his childhood flood him, his heart aching as the realization dawns upon him that he hasn’t seen his mother since he had sent him away to Luke. Now it’s too late… 

Moments in his childhood home when she would tell him about her home world.   
She would show him old holos of its scenery. Her eyes glistening with sadness. 

She would tell him about his grandparents that she missed so dearly.   
Bail and Breha Organa who took her in. How much they loved her and supported her, raising her to be strong-willed and courageous. 

He would watch as she braided her hair carefully every morning and spoke about their different meanings.   
On the rare nights both of his parents were home we would watch his father slowly unbraiding and untangling her hair, an intimate gesture. 

He thinks of nights when he would wake from the whispers and pain in his head.   
Often his parents weren’t home and he would lie in his bed crying until he fell asleep, wishing she was here to hold him in her arms. 

His parents arguing behind his back which turned into hushed voices as soon as he stumbled out of his bed made it easy to believe the scary voices in his head.   
Their absence and the way his father’s face turned into horror every time he had an outburst with the Force made him believe the lies he was told. 

When he was sent away to Luke, it was too late already. He was starting to believe what they whispering. Only later he realized it was Snoke all along. 

Ben stumbles out of his bed and falls to his knees as his memories fade. He was alone then just as he is alone now and it hurts.   
As much as he felt hurt by her, he had hurt his mother too. He reaches out one last time, tries to say that he is sorry but he can’t find her anymore. She is gone. 

He can’t breath, his pain suffocating him. His mind is racing, nothing coherent. Images of his last look at his mother interrupted by her arms embracing him. It drains him. He is truly empty now. 

"Rey“ his mind supplies. He repeats her name in his mind over and over again. It calms him.   
Like when he saw her in his dreams as a boy, when she had reached out to him across the stars and touched his hand. 

It has been always her. He still isn’t sure how it is possible, but their connection runs deep, it’s the only part of him that he doesn't resent...

Ben feels a familiar tug in the Force. He doesn’t dare to hope after she had shut him out for months, after he had hurt her so much.   
Yet she is here, their bond filling his mind and heart. 

He closes his eyes and tries to ignore her, he is not ready for her rejection but then he hears a name, "Ben?“ A whisper, a promise. 

His eyes snap open, but he doesn’t turn. Doesn’t care to be hurt. He will just break further. As he should. That’s what he deserves. 

"Ben“ her soft voice is closer now and his heart breaks at the sound of her voice. She is broken too. Voice cracking in pain and nose sniffling.   
He feels her small hand on his shoulder. The same hand that reached out to him months ago, so soft and warm.   
His eyes trace her hand to her arm, trailing up to meet her teary gaze. She’s here. 

„Rey?“ 

She has lost her too, her eyes red from crying. Yet she still looks so beautiful with her soft chestnut hair falling freely around her shoulders.   
He pulls her close and clings to her body, desperately. Tears running down his cheeks silently while she is running her hands through his hear, comforting him. 

Hurt tumbles through their bond, yet love and happiness that they have each other too, even only for a short moment. 

He clings to her like his life depends on it. Maybe it does. He isn’t sure how long they stay like this, sobbing and comforting each other.   
Her hand is running through his hair, soothing him with her warmth and one moment later she kneels next to him. 

Her lovely eyes taking in his tear-stained face. 

"Ben, look at me. It’s going to be fine.“ She cradles his face and traces the scar she had given him months ago with her soft fingers.   
They are so close, closer than they have ever been. Her eyes glisten with tears but she smiles for him, telling him that they will be alright. 

"She is gone. It’s too late,“ his voice breaks. 

"She is gone, but not her love for you.“ She tells him qietly. 

Ben closes his eyes and swallows hard. 

"She loved you so much. She was always waiting for you to come home and you still can. I’m here, waiting for you.“ 

Her voice is soothing him and his eyes flies open. 

He stares into her soft hazel eyes and realizes that it has been a lie all along.   
His family had loved him right up until this moment. He remembers his father’s forgiveness when he took his last breath.   
He thinks of his mother’s love he felt today and Rey… His beautiful Rey who is in his arms right here. Snoke had lied about all of this, the voices that poisoned him for years. 

He had failed to kill the light within himself because it had been all around him all along. In Rey. His mother and even his father. 

"Rey.“ 

Ben is lost for words. He just pulls her into his arms and nuzzles her head into her shoulder. She is surprised he can tell but melts into his touch immediately. 

"Do you remember what I told you in the hut?“ 

"You promised me that I’m not alone“ her voice is barely a whisper. He feels her emotions rushing through their bond and he nods. 

"I did… We never have to be alone again.“ He feels a rush of hope through their bond.

"What do you mean?“ She sounds uncertain, scared to get hurt again. 

"The war needs to end. I’m leaving the First Order.“ 

She pulls away from him, her eyes searching for his emotions. If he is sincere.   
She leans her forehead against his, their eyes meeting and breaths mingling. 

Tears are running down her face silently, overwhelmed by the intensity of their connection and relief in her heart. 

Ben wipes her tears away, gently. She grabs his hand to stop him and whispers. 

"Is it true?“ 

He nods slowly and opens her mind for her, his intentions and feelings for her. 

_"I’m coming home to you.“_ It’s an echo through their bond, a promise.   
A promise that everything will be alright and that they never have to be alone again.

**Author's Note:**

> posting because we're close to 25k fics 👀


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